How to Lead Yourself Through Triggers with Awareness, Curiosity, and Intention
You’re in the middle of a tense meeting. Someone questions your decision. Your chest tightens, your jaw locks, and before you can stop it, you react.
You speak too quickly. You interrupt. You say something sharp.
And in the silence that follows, you notice a flicker of regret.
That wasn’t how I meant to respond.
Not a meltdown. Not a crisis. Just a moment that felt out of sync with the leader you know yourself to be.
Whether you lead a team, a department, or an entire organization, this moment is more common than most leaders admit. It doesn’t mean you’re not emotionally intelligent. It doesn’t mean you’re not capable. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
It means you care. It means you’re human.
Every Reaction Holds Insight, If We’re Willing to Pause
When we react, it’s easy to feel off-balance or disappointed in ourselves. But those moments aren’t signs that you’re not capable or composed.
They’re signs that something meaningful is being touched, and that there’s an opportunity to learn more about yourself as a leader.
Instead of judgment, what if we met those moments with curiosity?
Reactivity is not a failure. It’s a doorway into deeper awareness. And when we pause and get curious, we gain access to new choices and insights.
The Anatomy of a Trigger
A trigger is any internal or external cue that stirs an emotional charge and prompts an automatic reaction. For leaders, these cues can come from situations that seem minor on the surface but tap into something deeper. Maybe it’s being questioned in front of others, feeling excluded from an important decision, or sensing someone doubting your competence. These moments can activate old stories, past experiences, or deeply held values, often without our conscious awareness.
Physiologically, the body often speaks first. You might feel your shoulders tighten, your breath shorten, or your heart race. That’s your nervous system responding, a natural protective reflex. But in professional settings, these protective responses can unintentionally erode trust or disconnect you from how you truly want to lead. Understanding these patterns allows you to choose presence over protection.
Why Reactivity is Common (Especially for Leaders)
Leadership asks a lot of us. The stakes are high, the pace is fast, and the margin for error often feels razor-thin. Over time, this environment can create a kind of internal tension that sits just below the surface. You’re navigating constant demands, managing others’ needs alongside your own, and carrying responsibility that doesn’t always have space for pause or reflection.
It’s no wonder the nervous system begins to interpret everyday stressors as threats. Without deliberate practices to regulate and reset, many leaders find themselves in a near-constant state of low-grade reactivity. You’re not failing, you’re overloaded. And that overload creates fertile ground for reactive leadership habits to take root, even in the most well-intentioned people.
What Triggers Reveal About You as a Leader
Your triggers often reflect what you care about most. They shine a light on your values, your inner narratives, and the parts of your identity that feel most vulnerable. If you deeply value respect, a perceived slight can feel disproportionately personal. If you’ve worked hard to be seen as competent, a challenge to your decision-making may stir up defensiveness.
These reactions aren’t flaws, they’re insights. They give you information about where you might still be leading from old definitions of success or identity that no longer fit. Recognizing the root of a trigger allows you to meet it with self-awareness, rather than shame. And over time, this insight builds a deeper, more grounded version of your leadership.
Awareness in the Moment: The First Shift
The moment between stimulus and response is where leadership happens. Here’s how to stretch that space:
- Notice the Physical Sensation
- What happens in your body when you feel triggered?
- Jaw tension? Shallow breath? Increased heart rate?
- These cues can become your early-warning system.
- Name What’s Happening Internally
- “I’m feeling defensive.”
- “I’m feeling rushed.”
- “I’m worried this reflects poorly on me.”
- Naming it helps you slow the momentum of reactivity.
- Choose to Pause
- One slow breath.
- A brief silence.
- A “let me think about that” before responding.
- These micro-pauses create macro-impact.
Tips to Rewire Your Response
You don’t need to eliminate triggers to lead effectively. You need to build new default responses.
Here are 3 foundational tools:
- Deep Breaths
- Inhale for slowly through your nose, and exhaling slowly through your mouth.
- Activates your parasympathetic nervous system and restores presence.
- The Story Check
- Ask: What story am I telling myself right now?
- Challenge the assumption: Is this true, or just familiar?
- The Leadership Reframe
- Shift from “What just happened to me?” to “What do I want to create next?”
- This moves you from reaction to intentional leadership.
What Changes When You Lead From Response, Not Reaction
Responding instead of reacting shifts the entire dynamic of leadership. It allows you to be intentional rather than impulsive. Conversations become more productive because you’re grounded rather than defensive. Team members feel more open because they trust your steadiness. Even when challenges arise, your ability to stay present communicates strength, safety, and emotional maturity.
This doesn’t mean you become passive or disconnected. It means you lead with clarity, consistency, and care, even in moments of pressure. Your presence becomes a model for your team, creating ripple effects in how others communicate, collaborate, and handle conflict. This is how cultures shift: not just through strategy, but through how we show up.
Final Reflection: Who Are You Becoming As a Leader?
Leadership isn’t about controlling every outcome or avoiding difficult moments. It’s about how you navigate the space between stimulus and response. It’s about learning to pause, to reflect, and to choose who you want to be, even when emotions run high.
So the next time you feel the tension rise, before the words come out, before the defense kicks in, ask yourself:
- What’s actually being activated here?
- What part of me is trying to protect something?
- What kind of leader do I want to be in this moment?
You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be willing to ask the right questions.